


All I want for christmas is a pocket sized Steven

by ReaperDuckling



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Christmas Special, Comedy, F/F, F/M, established relationships - Freeform, meta af, some really half assed rhymes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:00:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21921832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReaperDuckling/pseuds/ReaperDuckling
Summary: The crystal gems gather around the fire to tell you three holiday stories that may or may not happen
Relationships: Bismuth/Pearl (Steven Universe), Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	All I want for christmas is a pocket sized Steven

**Author's Note:**

  * For [falloutboiruto](https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutboiruto/gifts).



> This is a silly little christmas present to my oldest, bestest friend in the world. I hope you enjoy! <3

Garnet is sitting in an armchair, alone in a dimly lit room. There’s a fully decorated christmas tree behind her and a menorah on the table next to the chair. The only source of light is the flicker of a burning fire behind her. She seem to be deep in thought, gazing down in a large book. 

As the camera pans in, she turn her three eyes towards you. 

“Hello. I am going to tell you about christmas in Beach City,” She says, in a way that’s kind of uncomfortable and stiff. “and things that I’ve seen. That are now in this book. That may or may not happen, because of destiny and stuff. Let’s start with-” 

“NOOO no no no no, Garneeeeeet!” Amethyst suddenly appear from behind the armchair. Garnet does not seem surprised by this. “You’re doing this all wrong! Christmas stories are supposed to be in rhyme! You have to rHYME, Garnet!” 

“No.” 

“wHa-” Amethyst voice chokes off in a sound that resemble a squeaky toy if you step on it real hard. “What do you mean NO?” 

“I don’t want to rhyme.” 

“Well then what do I need you for? Gtfo!” 

Garnet wanders off, leaving the book behind her. 

“Guess I gotta do eeeeeverything myself around here…” Amethyst scoffs, pick up the tome and throw her ass down in the chair. 

The scene fades out.    
Then it fades back in again. 

Amethyst is sitting in an armchair, alone (?) in a dimly lit room. There’s a fully decorated christmas tree behind her and a menorah on the table next to the chair. The only source of light is the flicker of a burning fire behind her. She seem to be deep in thought, gazing down in a large book. As the camera pans in, she turn her two eyes towards you. 

“Welcome to our jolly home, 

where I’ve prepared to read to you from this tome, 

full of holiday cheer and great delight, 

and just a dash of christmas fright.” 

She turn back to the book, and flip the page. 

“Our first tale is about our friend Bismuth, 

who decided to make gift giving her…” Amethyst look back up at you and wink. “bismuth.” 

“You can’t rhyme Bismuth with bismuth.” Garnet says, from somewhere off screen. 

“I can do what I want!” Counters Amethyst and throws a mysteriously appearing donut in her direction. 

The scene fades out… 

~~~~~~~

T’is a week before christmas and Bismuth is hard at work 

making toys and gizmos for all the creatures that lurk 

around Beach City: humans, gems and one eyed cats alike 

are about to get presents from this big purple dyke! 

But Steven has noticed that something’s afoot 

for this usually jolly santa’s mood is caput! 

She scoffs and she grumbles and walks with a frown 

so Steven decide to turn her pout upside down. 

“heeEEEYYYY, Bismuuuuuth!” Steven shouts as he enters Bismuth workshop. It is HOT as hell in there, which makes sense, because the gem has been working tirelessly by the forge for weeks now, and also there’s lava. 

He finds her banging away at the anvil, looking sweaty (he didn’t know that gems COULD sweat?!) and tired but determined. She doesn’t even notice him until Steven gathers his breath and screams:    
“BISMUUUTH!” 

Bismuth jump. 

“Heey, Steven.” She give him a strained smile, but doesn’t put down her work. “How’s it going there, little buddy?” 

“I’m-” CLANG, “here” CLANG “to check on you!” CLANG CLANG CLANG. “Bismuth please just-” CLANG” put your” CLANG “work down for TWO SECONDS!” 

“Woah!” She looks surprised, and a tiny bit annoyed, but she finally shape shifts her hand back from its hammer-shape and put the model train that she’s working on down. “Steven, I’m sorry, but I can’t just… put the work DOWN! Christmas is less than a week away and I still haven’t made anything for the new rose quartzes, or Nanefua, or Lars, and and and Volleyball, or Garnet’s cat and-” 

“Wooaaahhh woah woah there, Bismuth, calm down a bit, okay?” Steven give her a reassuring smile that she most definitely does not return. “I understand that you just want to make everyone happy for the holidays, but you shouldn’t have to work yourself to the bone just to get people presents! Christmas is about so much more than that. It’s about friends! And family! And mashed potatoes!” 

“Mashed potatoes?”    
“Yeah! With gravy! It’s delicious, I’ll show you!” 

“Yeah but Steven… I  _ like  _ making everyone things! It’s sorta what I do.”    
“I know, and that’s fine. But we’ve hardly seen you in weeks, and when we do you’re all stressed and bummed. But all we really want from you on christmas is for you to be there, and for you to celebrate with us!”    
“That’s… not what they taught is in gem-orientation.”

“Well I’m telling you now: Bismuth. All we want for christmas is you.” 

“I… okay, Steven.”    
Finally, Bismuth smile back at him, big and bright as usual. Steven feel a breath he didn’t know that he was holding leave him. 

“But what am I supposed to do with all of this  _ stuff _ that I made?” She gesture towards the MOUNTAIN of things behind her: an impressive collection of swords and toys and… is that… Onion? 

“hmmmMMMMMMM…” Steven ponders, before genius strikes him. “Why don’t we just throw it back in the lava?” 

“Really?”    
“Really! It’s just stuff, after all. Well, except for Onion, but at this point it wouldn’t surprise me if he was lava-proof. If you wanna keep anything for yourself then do it, but we can throw out the rest. It will be fun!” 

Bismuth laugh in that loud, bright way of hers. 

“Sounds great! Let’s burn a bunch of stuff, Steven! It can be a new tradition for just the two of us!”    
“To… to burn stuff? Bismuth I don’t know if that’s a good tradition-”    
“Less thinking, more burning!” 

“More burnIIING!” 

And burn stuff they did, all throughout the day and into the night 

they made ashes out of Bismuth’s plight. 

For what Steven wanted most 

was a good roast 

and, eventually, his friends christmas toast. 

~~~~~~~

“Now wasn’t that a lovely christmas story about friendship and the meaning of christmas and burning things?” Amethyst says, leaning further back into her chair. “Because really! The holidays aren’t about working yourself raw or going into debt trying to please everyone with presents. It’s about love and family and eating mashed potatoes-” 

“Why don’t you tell everyone who taught the gem-orientation course on human traditions, Amethyst?” Garnet’s voice comes from somewhere outside of the scene. “Wasn’t it you that asked Bismuth for an obscene amount of donuts and weapo-” 

“aND NOW”, Amethyst shrieks as she throw three donuts in the direction of Garnet’s voice. “it’s time for our next story! 

This tale is about our friend Pearl 

whose toes begin to curl

when her friends show her more affection 

than anytime before in her recollection!” 

~~~~~~~

A fortnight before christmas, Pearl puts her hair up nice, 

for she wants to glisten like the sparkling ice 

In her hair a ribbon she place

with green leaves and red lace 

But Pearl begin to regret her apparel 

when an avalanche of affection everyone barrel 

at her hand, and her cheek, and her forehead, and her mouth… 

Oh, this really went south! 

It’s been a… strange day, for Pearl. 

It began at the beach, where she happened upon Volleyball. The other gem had greeted her as usual, then startled at the sight of her hair. Before Pearl was able to ask what was wrong, she’d reached down for her hand and kissed it with a shy giggle.    
She’d scurried off as quick as she could afterwards, leaving Pearl confused and a bit flustered. 

The strange phenomenon continued when she ran into Amethyst at the house. She practically squealed in (suspicious) delight at the look of Pearl and then kissed her, wet and sloppy, on the cheek. When Pearl asked why, she only laughed and walked away, leaving her none the wiser. 

Later that day it happened again with Garnet, that appeared to be at the ready to kiss her the minute they crossed paths, leaning down for a brief touch of her lips against Pearls gem. It was intimate and sweet, leaving Pearl flustered enough to want to crawl out of her own skin - and, coincidentally, forget all about words and how to use them in time to ask Garnet what’s going on. Garnet seemed to know anyway, but she only smiled, gave her a soft pat on the cheek and said,    
“You’ll know soon enough.” 

Figuring that she might as well use today’s strange phenomenon to her advantage, Pearl made sure to make a surprise visit to Bismuth’s forge. Her act of bravery was immediately rewarded with a hungry look from the blacksmith and a good snogging by the fire that left her breathless (not that she needs to breathe). 

Some hours later, after she’s been thoroughly kissed out for the day, she makes her way home through Beach City. There, she spots Greg by the pizza place. He’s just about to say hello when, suddenly, something about her catch his eye, and he goes crimson. Blushing and spluttering, he disappear into the shop before she’s been able to greet him. The interaction leave Pearl feeling self-conscious and a little worried, so she hurries the rest of the way home. 

There, she meet Steven, that’s watching the Cookie Cat Christmas Special commercials on tv with Connie. 

“Oh, Steven! I was hoping you’d be here. You need to help me!” 

The two teenagers are on their feet immediately, drawing out their weapons and screaming things like: “What is it, Pearl?! Are we under attack again?! Is it a renegade gem?! Should we fuse?!” 

“Oh. Oh no, nothing like that. We really messed you two up, didn’t we? No, no, it’s just that… everyone keeps  _ kissing  _ me. And I don’t understand why!” 

“Oh.” Says Connie, and goes crimson red. 

“Oooohhh!” Says Steven and then laughs. “Oh but Pearl! That’s because you have mistletoe on you!” 

“I have what now?” 

“The barrette!” The boy reach out and take the jewelry out of her hair. He shows her the ribbon with the pretty green leaves that she’d put on this morning. “It’s made out of mistletoe.” 

“So?” 

“Sooo, here on earth there’s a tradition that says that if you’re underneath the mistletoe, then you gotta kiss! If you want to, of course.” 

“No one kissed you without your permission, right?” Connie chime in, sounding worried. 

“No I…” Pearl blush, thinking back on the events of the day. “all the kisses were… nice.” 

“Good!” Steven beam up at her.

He’s still holding the mistletoe. 

“Thank you, Steven.” Pearl says and kiss him on the nose. 

“Peeeaaarrrllll, not in front of Conniiieeeee!” He whine, but his girlfriend only laughs. 

And so it was that Pearl learnt 

about mistletoe, though Steven weren’t 

too happy about her grateful kiss 

he’s fifteen now, damn it, he hiss! 

~~~~~~~

“Really? That’s how you end my story?”    
“PeARL?!” Amethyst jump, making donuts go flying everywhere around her. Really, where does she keep getting those? “What are YOU doing here?!”    
“I live here. Now scootch over, I want to tell the next story.” 

“You can’t do that!” The smaller gem complain, even as she’s making way for Pearl to sit in the armchair. “Garnet, tell her that she can’t do that!”    
“I see lots of potential futures where the next story is told by Pearl. And one where we’re all attacked by a giant gingerbread man, like the one from the animated movie Shrek, but that one doesn’t seem as likely.” 

“What the fu-” 

Pearl push Amethyst out of the screen with a graceful flick of her foot before she’s able to complete her profanity. 

“That’s quite enough of her, now where were we…?” She pick up the book and leaf through it. “Ah, here we are!    
This story is about christmas day 

where Greg’s jolly spirit is threatening to decay. 

His family is growing at an alarming rate 

it’s quickly become an overwhelming weight.” 

~~~~~~~

On the day of christmas Greg dressed up nice 

wearing bells in his beard for an affordable price 

He showered and moisturised to look and feel his best 

but when he reached Steven’s house, his patience was put to the test 

For there were Rose Quartzes, Diamond Queens and Crystal Gems 

all brought together, for they’re all where Steven stems 

“How did this happen?” Greg ask in despair    
feeling like he suddenly ran out of air 

Well Greg, hold on to your pout 

for we are about to find out 

Steven has always spent christmas with his family. Trying to give the boy as much of a “normal” upbringing as he possibly can, Greg arranged it so that they’d celebrate each year in his house, just the two of them and the three crystal gems. 

This year, however, there’s a lot more people asking for Steven’s attention. 

First there’s Connie. Her family doesn’t celebrate christmas, but she’d like to spend the day with him anyway and maybe exchange a couple of gifts just because it’s nice. Then there’s the rose quartz siblings and the barn gang, consisting of Peridot, Lapis and Bismuth, who all learn about christmas during gem orientation and practically invite themselves over for the occasion. And then finally the Diamonds learn about the event from Volleyball and pretty much demand Steven to celebrate with them. After declining a colony for a gift, and having to remind them that they aren’t supposed to be doing those anymore, he doesn’t feel like he has much of a choice but to invite them over for the day. 

It’s glaringly obvious that they won’t all fit in the house. So, the crystal gems have a tent set up on the beach. It’s nice enough, even if its shock full of gems and people running around in the sand. Turns out that this big of a crowd lures others in. Before anyone knows it, there’s even a band playing! Sadie Killer and the Suspects are performing metal-covers of christmas songs while people are cheering and dancing. And everything is fine, everything is good, until Greg shows up. 

Steven feels like he told just about everyone about this, but apparently he forgot about his dad. 

Woups. 

“I’m sorry shnooball, I’m just not that comfortable spending christmas with this many people.” He says when Steven find him hiding back in the beach house. “I mean, the music is nice and all, and I’m happy that so many people and gems want to spend time with you! But it’s just not… christmas.” 

“I know, dad. I’m sorry. I should have warned you sooner.” 

“That’s okay. But you should go back out there with everyone and party! I don’t want you to feel like your old man is holding you back.” 

“You never do. But… dad…?” 

“Yeah, kiddo?” 

“Would you mind spending New Years alone with me this year? I think I could use a breather after all of this. We could go down to that hill that mom liked so much, the one where she grew that moss, and light some firecrackers?” 

Greg Universe smile down at his son, proud beyond belief over the emotionally sensible person he’s grown to become, despite his often times chaotic upbringing. 

“That sounds great, Steven.” 

So Steven and Greg celebrated the new year by themselves 

‘cuz sometimes you don’t need anyone else 

Just a dad and his son 

having some wicked fun 

Shooting fireworks like burning blooms 

for the night, all the worlds and all their skies are their playrooms 

~~~~~~~

“Oh, Garnet…” Pearl says, choked up and on the verge of tears. “that was so sweet.” 

“It was a vision. I only wrote it down because Amethyst and Steven asked me.” Garnet come back in to the scene, sitting down at the floor by Pearl’s feet. 

“Steven? He’s in on this too?”    
“Well of course, dude!” Says Amethyst, before she throws herself into Pearl’s lap, munching on a donut. “He’s been here all along.” 

“What? Where?!” 

“Duuuude, he’s in my pocket.” Suddenly, there’s a pocket on the front of her shirt. She open it, revealing a tiny Steven eating a huge donut. “You sERIOUSLY didn’t notice, Pearl?! Who do you think has been serving me all these sweet donuts all night? He’s been getting mad good at shape shifting lately.”

“I am also shocked.” Garnet says, deadpanned. There’s no way of telling if she’s sincere or not. 

“Aaaaanyway, I think it’s time we call this a night.” Amethyst continues. “I’m hungry!” 

“How?!” 

“I predict that Amethyst will eat three pizzas, five more packages of donuts and, possibly, the giant gingerbread man from the animated movie Shrek, before she admits to being done for the night.” 

“Garnet, dude, what’s with you and Shrek?” 

“It’s a cinematographic masterpiece.” Once again, there’s no telling if she’s sincere or not. 

“Alright then,” Pearl finally continues, turning back to you. “I’ll finish this weirdly meta christmas fanfiction by, first of all, breaking the fourth wall, and second of all say: wherever you are in the universe, and whether you celebrate christmas, hanukkah, something else entirely or nothing at all-” 

“from all of us, to all of you,” Steven pipes up from inside Amethyst pocket. “we wish you a wonderful night!” 

The scene fades out… 

The End 

**Author's Note:**

> God Jul, Anna!


End file.
